Dear My Future Self

Jan 21st 2024

starting logs is weird because I've always wanted to document my life, but at the same time do it in a way that's in chronological order. That's pretty stupid considering I couldn't hold a pencil the moment I came out of the womb.

So, I decided a good way to start things would be a letter to my future self. I got this idea from Lilly because she's got a letter to her future self on the fridge, and I see it like every day. Plus, it makes a good introduction part 2.

To my future self (don't read until you turn 2027!)

It's me from the past. I just turned 23, I feel really weird about it. Like I'm getting old but I know I'm young. My siblings are getting so old, they're all teenagers now. It's weird because I still see them as little babies. Alex is 12, Izzy is 14, Justin is 17, Jack is 18, and Tyson is 22 (with 2 kids now!) But when I think of them, I see them all 3-4 years younger. Mom's 43 now, I hope she quit smoking by the time you're reading this.

My birthday was earlier this month, and it wasn't great. My family really let me down, not coming through with the plans we made. And I don't think they really care about it or even see the problem with it, but what can I do about that? It's how they are, and I've always known that, but I just wish it wasn't.

I'm in the process of getting diagnosed, I see my therapist Rachel monthly/bi-monthly and she's really good. But mostly just listens. I meet my new psychologist Rebecca (ruh) next week, and it's stressing me out, but she's supposed to help diagnose me with autism or whatever. And I joined the waiting list for a gender-therapist but the wait time is around 2 years so that will be a while.

It's almost mine and Casey's 2-year anniversary, I'm worried my gift won't be good (figures from it takes two) but she's not very gift-giving anyways, so maybe it will be okay if my gift sucks lol. I love Casey, even though we had a big fight recently. I thought maybe we should break up but we didn't. And if Casey is reading this in the future, you should make me carbonara for dinner, because I'm eating it right now and I love it so much! Love you dookie.

It's been a year since Jayden died and it still upsets me, but not so much outwardly. I just zone out thinking about him mostly. I'm sad whenever I think about how he was my platonic soul mate. I hope he gets wifi in heaven and can read my log lol. Currently, I sleep listening to SCP-bob or rotten mango to keep my mind from getting too sad when I'm trying to sleep, otherwise I just think about Jayden and it keeps me awake.

At the moment I mostly play Sea of Thieves, Baldur's Gate 3, Red Dead Online, and Lethal Company. I'm waiting for Poppy Playtime Chapter 3 to come out! Which will probably be delayed AGAIN. I also finally started playing Alicia Online, but I'm not the biggest fan. I like racing games but I don't like that to win you need to grind a good horse. I just wanna win straight away lol, like Rocket Racing.

What else, hmm. I've been wasting some of my money on Kpop stuff. I haven't really drawn lately, there was some drama with another artist that made me get the ick about drawing. He made me feel like my character designs were bad. And for the most part, other artists on the platform I use don't seem to think I'm a good artist. I know I shouldn't worry about it but I do. It really soured the moment I reached 1000 followers.

My current friends are Cerys, Mayo, Yaju, Eric, and I just met Casey's friend Carter. I live at Casey's parents' house. And I just got meds switched from Mirtazapine to Elaxine, I'm no longer sleepy but I'm so tense now and have way too much energy.

Lastly, I'll just list off some things I like and dislike :3

LIKES:
Carbonara
Everything blue
Poppy Playtime/Huggy Wuggy
Kpop/Changbin/Sunoo
Aliens
Maccas
Rick and Morty (even though the new season (7) sucked)
Red cordial
Honey from Bluey
True crime videos on YouTube

DISLIKES:
The color orange
My new chair lol
Wearing glasses
There's never any snacks atm
Game Theory/Matpat is quitting YouTube

my beanie kid

yaju hacking

shelf :3

smokey <3

xmas 2023